Searching for Happiness – What Makes me *$&*ing Miserable

I have been realizing that the more I put happiness in the forefront of my mind the more misery seems to also inflict me. It sounds not that great and believe me it is less than exciting to discover the truth in your own beliefs.

This is a warning to you fellow happiness searchers, be prepared. If you have recently made the decision to make true happiness a priority then be prepared for the misery that will come along with it during the transition phase. Feeling positive yet?

Hear me out…

Believe it or not, this is not meant to be a depressing post. I merely want to share with you all the not so savory discoveries that I have uncovered on my journey towards, peace, compassion, gratitude, and happiness.

You see when you make happiness the priority you begin to see all of the self limiting ABEY'S.pngbeliefs that you hold that blocks your way to happiness. Before I made happiness my top priority I did not realize that it is always my own perspectives, opinions and beliefs that stop me from achieving that desire. No one else. Just me.

This has been a fresh discovery and I suspect that these miseries will stick around a little longer before I accurately figure out how to overcome them. For now… I call my miseries out in an attempt to make you aware that they could be festering and distracting you from your own journey to happiness. Like they have been for me. If you feel like you might relate to these than label them as they are, don’t ignore them, and make it your mission on your journey to happiness to overcome your own obstacles. What else are we going to do?


Expectations

How is it that I went my whole life without realizing that it’s my own expectations in almost every situation which causes me misery? Seriously? I am the type of gal who generally knows what she wants, and is not afraid to assert myself. This sometimes gets me in trouble. I was told from a young age to have high expectations for myself and for the people that I interact with.

Awesome! Where is the negative in that?  Well, as the years went on I began to become more and more disappointed by these expectations that I had put on others. It seemed that not everyone lived by the same strict code as I did, and I often was left feeling disappointment or even left feeling that I had been mistreated. For a long time, like any basic human I resorted to blaming for my comfort in those matters.

It was only a matter of time until I started being disappointed by people regularly and also myself. It seemed that my expectations were not only completely unrealistic but they also lacked any amount of compassion for those who did not fulfill, including myself.

This is a very real misery of mine, only just discovering it recently for what it is. I am in the beginning fazes of identifying my expectations and letting go of them. Releasing all expectations that I place on others and myself is the only way I can see a way through this fog that keeps me from my true self and happiness. How does your exceptions keep you from happiness?

Perfection

Along with expectations, I am a bit of a perfectionist. I guess it goes hand in hand really. When I make a plan or place an expectation on myself or another person I expect nothing but perfection.

This may be ridiculous, and believe me I am beginning to realize that if nothing else it is very unrealistic. Through my interactions with other humans in my life I have found that a lot of people battle with finding the balance of perfection. Some people expect nothing but 100% and others don’t even try. I am one of those 100% people. Something to normally be proud of, but not necessarily. You can’t be proud of something that isn’t real and 100% perfection is not real. Nobody is 100% perfect, besides what is perfect other than an opinion? Or an expectation?

Perfection makes me %$*&ing miserable. Why? Well if you strive for nothing but the absolute best and have no room in your heart for accepting anything but, then you will miss out on the lessons and happiness that comes from the results that you do get. Perfection is unforgiving.

This is my struggle. Perfection is a monster that swallows my happiness. Where is there room for compassion with perfection? How can both exist? My  only guess is that perfection is another outdated useless feeling / belief that must be tossed out the window in order for happiness to thrive.

Comparison

I feel like everyone are frauds and comparison queens. Society actually strives for comparison. It is almost as if comparing things is the only way that people feel safe and “normal”. I mean really think about it. The news, celebrities, the neighbors. People are comparing themselves all the time in every way. “It could be worse, look at (insert name here)” I mean how many times have you heard that line of comparison?

As a child and youth, I did not compare myself much to other girls or my peers in the way of what clothes they wore, how popular they were, or how much money they had like I know a lot of people do.I am grateful for not having that unhealthy habit to also overcome.

However, as an adult, I do compare myself and my life to people in other ways. I compare my happiness with others when it comes to my personal relationships. I think about how much does other couples argue? How often does that couple go out together? What is the normal growth for a relationship?

I use other people’s relationships as a measure to determine the happiness I have of my own. Even just typing that seems so stupid. But remember I am a perfectionist.

Again this is a entirely new realization for me and its presence in my belief system is not something that is going away easily. But… I see you now. I see comparison as what it is. The truth is, everyone is different and determining what is “normal” for you is something that needs to be discovered from within yourself and not within the “normal” of other people.


On my quest for happiness I have discovered three key things that keep me from smiling every time I let them take over my belief system. My expectations, perfectionism, and comparison. In fact if I ever feel unhappy it is almost always a safe bet that one of these three culprits are behind my misery.

So what do I do? What do we do?

Well if you are truly searching for happiness being honest with yourself and digging deep to discover what makes you miserable is a step you must take. If you share in my miseries all we can do is recognize them for what they really are… freaking bull%$#@ that just keeps you from smiling, and then let them go.

That’s my plan anyway. When searching for happiness you need to be brave enough to call it what it really is, ignore what you thought you knew and let it go. Habit and belief systems can change if you are willing to put in the work and once changed, the path to happiness might just become a little less foggy and a little more clear to walk.

 

 

50 COMMENTS

  1. renedith | 4th Aug 16

    Great Post and I relate to the misery of finding happiness. Just keep plunging deeper within yourself. I found that when I truly loved me, happiness followed.

    EXPECTATIONS: I have learned to live my life, without expectation. I do not question why I want to do certain things. I just act on it without questioning it or having expectations of an end result.

    PERFECTION: I have discovered that we are each perfect in our own ways, at any given moment. Hence, no need to strive for perfection. I already am perfect right now. So are you.

    COMPARISON: I feel we compare ourselves to others, because we do not want to be ‘left out’. We want to ‘keep up’ with what is normal. We care about what others may think of us.
    Well, normal people worry me. I no longer care what others think, say or do. It no longer matters in my world.
    Crazy reply, but, what the hey. You asked for input. 🙂 ren

    • StephJ | 4th Aug 16

      Wow thank you so much for your comment! I hope to one day feel this way in regards to these miseries of mine. It has not been an easy road!

      It means a lot to have someone read my post and take the time to comment so truthfully. That is the reason I blog in the first place to gain this support and these perspectives from like minded people.

      Thank you for sharing with me, its means a lot 🙂

      • renedith | 4th Aug 16

        Thank you for the thank you. 🙂 I also value the perspective of others. I feel that people sometimes hold back on commenting, I do not understand that.
        When I read something that resonates, I gotta jump in and share. I feel it helps in my own growth.
        You are welcome and thank you, again. ren

    • iamneverchangingwhoiam | 4th Aug 16

      Yes! 🙌🏻. I still struggle with Expectations, but most definitely comparison. I use to be a perfectionist and still am to a point (now I just sulk in silence)…having a child has kind of derailed me a bit on this one.

      • renedith | 4th Aug 16

        Congrats on your new child! I believe the children of today, will help lead us into a better tomorrow. They are being born very wise. You can see it in their eyes. Sense it in their actions. I would LOVE to be a young mother today. ren

  2. ItsMeAle | 4th Aug 16

    It’s surprising to read your post now, today, when I’m trying to make sense of how I’m feeling. Your words help me understand myself a bit more and forces me to stop and look at myself more thoroughly. Thank you 🙂 I’m in that journey too.

    • StephJ | 4th Aug 16

      It’s posts like these from others that inspire me and help me grow. I am happy that you stopped and took the time to read and even happier that you related in some way. We are all searching in one way or another for our happiness. Thank you again for reading.

  3. Kristin | 4th Aug 16

    I am frequently discouraged proceeding something that makes me happy. It’s annoying is an understatement…

    • StephJ | 4th Aug 16

      I know what you mean. I guess it is the natural eb and flow of life. I’m looking for more flow and less eb. Haha. If that makes sense.

      • Kristin | 5th Aug 16

        I like that! Less ebb hahaha.

  4. marniemarmalade | 4th Aug 16

    Hi Steph,
    It’s Marnie over at MarnieMarmalade- thanks for your like! I’m hoping to put out more posts soon :)- I’m new at this!
    This post you wrote is really great. I can totally relate to it! I am unfortunately a perfectionist as well. I also compare myself to others, though not as often as when I was younger, and I have high expectations of myself and others too. However, as years have gone by, I’ve noticed that I have been more forgiving of others for not “rising to the occasion”, so to speak. I have had a harder time forgiving myself though. Being a perfectionist is definitely like a double-edged sword.
    I sometimes have to say to myself, “Have no expectations at all, and if something good does happen, it’s a wonderful surprise!”
    As I’ve gotten older, I notice that there are things about myself that I just HAVE to accept- like getting older. 😛 There’s nothing that can be done about it, but take it as it comes, and laugh at the chin hairs that seem to just pop up out of nowhere! 😛
    From a fellow East Coaster,
    MarnieMarmalade

    • StephJ | 4th Aug 16

      Thank you for your great comment!

      “Have no expectations at all, and if something good does happen, it’s a wonderful surprise!”

      Is a awesome thing to remember. Being easier on myself is a struggle, but something that with practice can be achieved. One but at a time. Thanks for the inspiration 🙂

      • marniemarmalade | 5th Aug 16

        Yes, I find that I need reminders to be gentler with myself. Your post was a reminder- so thanks too 🙂

  5. the happiest pixel | 5th Aug 16

    Great post. I think this happens to all of us.
    I’m trying to learn to not have big expectations, to stop looking for perfection and to not compare myself with other people…

    • StephJ | 5th Aug 16

      Yes I agree I think so many people struggle with this! Recognizing it as unnecessary is a huge positive though 🙂

  6. Buddhist Tarot Chick | 5th Aug 16

    Really helpful post. I’ve come to see how expectations and perfectionism have limited my life and happiness.

    • StephJ | 5th Aug 16

      Thank you for reading!

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  8. Andrew Zwolf | 8th Aug 16

    Thanks for liking my post about my search to happiness on 12guystalking.wordpress.com. I found your post insightful. I get really low sometimes, even feel miserable. Instead of focusing so much on searching for happiness, I now try doing things that make me happy like comedy, even if nobody caresI Andrew Zwolf, America’s Favorite Freak.

  9. Merry Hearts Medicine | 8th Aug 16

    Thanks for liking my post about our summer photo shoot.

    Several years ago, I dubbed myself a “reforming perfectionist.” It’s a long, bumpy journey to distance yourself from perfectionism. Sure makes life sweeter, though! 🙂

  10. Aisha | 8th Aug 16

    Great read!
    Hope you can checkout my blog here – http://www.jhallidiva.com/free-vs-self-hosted-blog/ & drop your feedback.❤

  11. lakeafton | 9th Aug 16

    Searching for happiness is a dead end. Happiness is loving yourself and your life as it is, satisfaction that you doing your best, loving the people in your life without judging them, letting God love you as you are. One day you will simply know that you are happy. Just being is happiness.

    • StephJ | 9th Aug 16

      You are very right! Great advice. I think everyone’s goal when “searching for happiness” is to eventually accept and just be. The difficult part is in the acceptance. Thanks again for your insightful comment!

  12. lakeafton | 9th Aug 16

    You might read “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is about her search.

    • StephJ | 9th Aug 16

      I saw the movie but the book has long been on my bucket list! I will have to read it soon!

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  14. magickmermaid | 14th Aug 16

    Excellent post!

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  16. randyjw | 22nd Aug 16

    Good post, Steph. I was going to add, like Lakeafton did, that I read somewhere that happiness is the wrong value to focus on. I forget what the answer was: perhaps living rightly and the contentment from that…

    • StephJ | 22nd Aug 16

      It is true. It is impossible to live in a constant state of happiness, if our ultimate goal is happiness we will always be disappointed because as humans we need to embrace all of our feelings even the negative ones.

  17. Juliet | 7th Sep 16

    Thank you so much for sharing this beautifully written and thought-out post! I really could relate to the hardships expectations tend to incur. I thought this was really encouraging and I’m grateful for the words you shared here.

    • StephJ | 7th Sep 16

      I am happy that you could relate in some way. Thank you for reading 🙂

  18. MadLibsMom | 7th Sep 16

    Great Post, Sometimes what we search for most is right in front of us we just have to step back and let it show. I personally feel sometimes if I look too hard I miss what is right there.

    • StephJ | 7th Sep 16

      Yes I agree. Sometimes stepping back and looking at things differently is all the perspective we need.

  19. livelaughhlovee5 | 7th Sep 16

    I like the Perfection part nobody is perfect and never will be. I hate when people think they are so perfect it makes them stuck up.

  20. Nellwyn Lampert (@cardinalpress) | 8th Sep 16

    I’m a perfectionist too and I totally understand why it makes you miserable. Today for example, I’ve already worked a 13 hour day and I still can’t stop!

  21. Anamika Ojha | 8th Sep 16

    Perfection is something that kills me! When you’ve to balance work and life, you can’t be a perfectionist in everything!

    • StephJ | 8th Sep 16

      I heard something the other day “aim for perfection but accept failure” simple but something that struck me as a very good way at looking at things.

  22. loisaltermark | 8th Sep 16

    I’m so with you on these. Since I changed my philosophy to “Done is better than perfect,” it’s changed everything. Try it. It’s life-changing!

    • StephJ | 8th Sep 16

      That is a good way at looking at things!

  23. motherssocial | 8th Sep 16

    What a post – life a jouney keep going be postive be strong.

  24. kayvonab | 8th Sep 16

    The expectations one is so true for myself! I recently just came to the realization that expectations only set you up for not so great things.

  25. royaltyinreality | 8th Sep 16

    This is so dead on. I try to have a go with the flow or roll with the punches type attitude, but sometimes that just doesn’t work. I find that when I’m honest with myself, I’m often most happy.

    • StephJ | 9th Sep 16

      It is true. But sometimes so hard to be really honest with yourself. I guess we are all learning 🙂

  26. Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes | 8th Sep 16

    Chasing perfection makes me unhappy too. I’m learning to be happy with myself the way I am.

    • StephJ | 9th Sep 16

      It’s a battle for sure! Being a perfectionist is hard in so many ways.

  27. The Trophy WifeStyle | 10th Sep 16

    Ahhhh expectations still get me! I always assume people will go above and beyond because I would and yeah…. Not so much!

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